A Better Man
by T'Key'la
Summary: Written for LJ's 1 million words songfic month prompt: A Better Man by Clint Black. Spock is assigned a dangerous mission from which he may not return. He and Jim try to deal with the possible outcomes the best they can.


Jim was still staring at his computer in disbelief when his door chimed. "Come," he called, knowing who it was on the other side.

"Captain," Spock said, hands tightly clasped behind his back.

Jim could see the underlying disbelief reflected in Spock's expression as well.

"I am uncertain what to say under these circumstances," Spock finally said, needing to break the silence laying over them like an unwelcome blanket in the heat of a Vulcan summer.

"I don't know either," Jim said, his voice heavy with all of his emotions. "I know the Romulan negotiations are critical. I don't question that. What I do question is why you are the only one Starfleet thinks can go."

"It is primarily because of the shared ancestry between Vulcans and Romulans," Spock reminded him.

Jim brushed that aside with an impatient gesture. "You aren't the only Vulcan in Starfleet. And won't it be more dangerous for you since you're Human?" Jim asked. He was grasping at straws and knew it. But there had to be some way to convince Starfleet not to send Spock on this undercover mission. They both knew of the dangers in what Spock was expected to do and that the likelihood of Spock ever returning to the Enterprise was miniscule at best.

"Starfleet surely factored my Human side into their evaluation," Spock said, still standing in front of Jim's desk in a posture of perfect parade rest.

"Sit, please," Jim said, pointing at his chair. Of course Spock wasn't going to sit down until specifically requested to do so. "I contacted Chris. He is trying some backroom negotiations to see if they'll assign someone else. He's not hopeful."

"Whomever they assign will be in the position as I," Spock said. "Reluctant to leave behind the ship where they have served, their fellow crew members."

Jim sighed at that, rounding his desk to sit next to Spock. "I really don't want you to go."

"I understand," Spock said quietly. "Yet orders are orders. We are not allowed to follow only those which are convenient to us."

Jim nodded. Of course it was ingrained in all of them that one followed orders. One did not question them. "What did Uhura say?"

"Uhura?" Spock repeated, one eyebrow drawn high. "I have not spoken to her about this assignment."

"You didn't?" Jim asked. "Your transport comes early tomorrow. You can't leave her without an explanation."

"Leave _her_," Spock repeated softly. "You are under the impression that Nyota and I are still in a romantic relationship."

"Aren't you?" Jim asked. "No one's said anything different."

"We ceased our romantic relationship last month," Spock told him.

"Oh," Jim said. "I'm sorry."

"There is no reason for you to be," Spock said. "We remain the best of friends. However, she came to realize that my heart was not truly hers."

"Oh," Jim repeated. He sounded defeated, weary, sad.

"Had these orders not been issued to me, I had planned to try to make a new romantic connection," Spock said. His tone sounded as though this decision was no more important that choosing beans or corn for lunch. But when Jim looked up and caught his eyes, a new light dawned.

"I see," Jim said, a very sad smile finally breaking through. "Would it be overly forward of me to asked with whom you planned to try?"

"You have need to ask, Jim," Spock said, laying a warm Vulcan hand on one of Jim's, a cooler hand that was shaking ever-so-slightly.

"This is the worst timing ever," Jim said, turning his hand over to entwine his finger with Spock's. "Ever."

"I will return to you. And we will have our time."

Jim tried to put on a brave face at Spock's confident words. But he could not find it in him. He was too angry and too afraid for Spock to feel anything else. "We both know you may not survive."

"Some missions are inherently more dangerous," Spock agreed. "Yet I have additional motivation to complete this assignment. So that I may return to you."

"I want you to. You have no idea how badly I want you to promise me you'll be back. But I'm really afraid that's a promise you won't be able to keep."

"What is the cause of this pessimism? You are the one who has always believed that there is no such thing as a no win scenario. It is the mantra of the crew," Spock reminded him.

"I won't be with you. I won't be able to watch your back."

Spock heard those words and those which had not been said. He nodded, tightening his grip on Jim's hand momentarily before releasing it. "You requested to be assigned as well."

"They said no," Jim confirmed. "Because I'm not Vulcan."

"You know that their decision is the logical one."

"I don't want logic. I want to make sure you come back," Jim said.

"And I will," Spock said. "I must prepare for the mission. Will you be at my departure tomorrow morning?"

"Yes," Jim said, standing when Spock did. "And I'm holding you to your promise. That you'll come back to me."

"I will," Spock said. "However, Jim, should the worse happen, I want you to know that I leave here a better man for having known you."

Jim could not respond to those words. He could only watch mutely as his first officer, his best friend, left his quarters - possibly for the last time.


End file.
